Out Damn Spot!

(with apologies to Lady MacBeth).

Or should I say, Out Damn Spirit. Yes, our house is haunted, by a Spirit. And no I am not going to get all spiritual and say we are haunted by the Holy Spirit, which I wouldn't exactly consider haunting anyway. What is haunting is the Spirit which haunts our home, none other than our stinky poodle. Stinky because she has not had a bath since 2 nights before my December 15th post on the blog. And right now I don't feel like doing anything about it.

You see, she has taken to peeing and pooping on the rug at any possible occasion. Put her outside, even in nice weather, which is what I would call +9C and sunny in January, and she won't do anything significant until she comes inside. Then off she goes for a little carpet time. Thank God for Bissel machines and Nature's Miracle, but I have already used up a bottle since moving here and it does get a little tedious. It really took off after that dose of charcoal from the expensive visit to the vet. I still have charcoal stains on the back steps.

While I am on the subject, to all you vets out there who want to charge $80 for a dose of activated charcoal, tell your patients to go to the local hardware store, buy a lifetime's supply of it for $5.00 (BBQ charcoal), crush up 1/2 cup of it, mix it with hamburger and voila, instant poison antidote. Saves you time and them money.

I am not sure what to do with her - Perhaps she has a shy bladder and so won't go on the small strip of grass we have out there.

I just discovered that Dr. Phil knows how to fix this problem. Apparently Dr Phil knows everything there is to know about dogs and has suggested we go for therapy. I told him we had activated charcoal and that's good enough for us thank you very much, and that perhaps he should take some too. I hold Oprah personally responsible for unleashing him upon the world.

In the meantime, every day is cleanup day! Out damn spot!

401 Follies

Well I finally drove a significant distance on the infamous 401. Big deal, I used to commute from London to Toronto 3 times a week 15 years ago.

However, it has changed a lot. It is much, much busier and traffic jams can occur any time of day and not just during rush hour as in the early 1990's. It was the early afternoon and I made my way to the Bayview Village shopping centre, not far from my old seminary I attended in 1990-91. I passed a lot of familiar territory and became increasingly nervous as the entire westbound section of the 401 was backed up nearly the whole 30 km. I saw the accident near the Highway 10 exit (a jeep pinned under a transport) and beyond that 12 lanes of westbound traffic had ground to a halt.

My visit to the Bayview and Sheppard was nice enough, an it has changed a great deal. Going from a somewhat run-down mid-60's residential and retail community to a rather upscale part of town with luxury condo's, exclusive stores in the mall and well-dressed business-types stopping for a quick espresso in the mall (turning up their collective noses at the Starbuck$). I did the same, of course... when in Rome.

I have discovered that food is regional in Canada. Grocery stores and restaurants tend to mimic each other and can be quite different from place to place. Grocery store deli's are absolutely deli-ghtful here. More selection and better quality, with a large Italian influence here. Chinese food is another interesting situation. Sezchuan Chinese food is everywhere in the west. Every buffet will have some Sezchuan dish, but it virtually non-existent here. Egg Rolls on the other hand, are quite tasty here, filled with bean sprouts, pork and other treats, where in the west they will be filled with some bitter cabbage concoction, and sometimes they are deep fried in additional batter. Haven't had an egg roll since 1992 until last week.

The drive back was better than expected. I actually made it back in time... just in time, mind you. Maybe next time I will try the 407, a toll highway.

Yes, we have moved in!

Finally, we are home.

Saturday, January 7 - we moved into our new executive condo. A multi-level, 3 bedroom place that we leased for 6 months and could take a dog. This place actually has a huge amount of living space, but the 2 smaller bedrroms are very small. No backyard for our dog.

Sunday, January 8 - we attend our new church for the first time.

Monday, January 9 - kids start school - furniture arrives.

Tuesday, January 10 - Main floor unpacked. Meet with my new boss and tour my sales area.

Wednesday, January 11 - Finally take van in for ABS repairs. $1076 later they finally work.

Thursday, January 12 - Kristen J, our first out-of-town visitor arrives. She brings Mundare sausage, for which I was very grateful.

Friday, January 13 - Friday the 13th. Wouldn't you know it! Spirit, our miniature poodle manages to open the tamperproof mousebait box and devours a block of neurotoxin. The animal hospital comes to the rescue by making her throw up and feeding her charcoal to absorb the poison... total cost: $263 (I declined the IV and private room). Poison control calls and says that it should not hurt her. Oh well... there goes my federal energy rebate... if I ever get one.

In other news, phone and internet access is hooked up.

Hell Has Frozen Over

The Golbe and Mail has just announced their endorsement of Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party

A Sign of the Second Coming

Ontario Liberals are voting Conservative:

CPAC-SES Dec 29 30 Jan 3: CON 36% LIB 33% NDP 15% BQ 13% GP 4%

How odd...

Top 10 Alberta Peeves

Funny thing is that I can dis Ontario and get away with it. But we Albertans (or former Albertans) are a little thin-skinned at times, especially in regards to criticism from the east. But in the spirit of fairness, here we go... (not sure I can come up with 10).

1. Cold: Yeah, like that was a shocker. Now that the obvious is out of the way, I need to emphasize that "dry cold" is still really, really cold and actually does feel cold in time. It just takes a few minutes longer to reister. Unlike Ontario, you can play football at -20 and enjoy it but after a while it still gets really, really cold.

And it is cold for months and months on end. I mean, -30 during March Break is not exactly my idea of a break from anything. I remember wearing shorts during one March Break as a kid (and yes, tobogganing on another, but it sure as heck wasn't -30!!).

Windows frost up, car won't start, can't make an ice rink in the backyard because it is too cold (go figure).

2. Country Music: I really don't like it. Both kinds... Country AND Western!

To be fair, there are probably more country music lovers in Ontario than in Alberta, but there is this thing called guilt by association. So I will just leave it there.

3. Lakes and Beaches: Most lakes in Alberta are mud-holes. Except for Lesser Slave Lake or Cold Lake. Even the great Alberta resort of Sylvan Lake boasts a 2 metre wide (man-made) beach about 1 km long. In Ontario, drive in any direction and you will probably find a world-class freshwater beach.

4. Rain: It doesn't rain that much in Alberta, so why rain? Because it sucks when it rains, that's why. Rain in Alberta will either freeze you to death or bring on thunderstorms or tornadoes. There is no such thing as a warm spring or summer rain. Rain in the summer makes Alberta feel like October has come.

On top of that, the ground can't seem to drain rainwater away, so an otherwise normal backyard turns to brown mush. I have even seen mould grow on a shaded lawn after 10 days of rain.

5. Ukrainian Dancers: There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and Ukrainian Dancers.~~Nigel Powers If you have seen one you have seen them all. Even the one is repetitive by itself. My personal theory is that the music is only about 8 bars long and just gets played over and over and over again. Then they start the next identical song. Kinda like Southern Gospel Music. The only reason I put up with it is for the food.

6. Flat: I am well aware that most of Alberta is not actually flat. In fact, most of the land 1 hour north and immediately west of Edmonton is not very flat. But Edmonton is f-l-a-t as is most of the drive to Calgary. Yes, there is a river valley but few of us got to live there and most of it is not actually accessible. The rest of the city is flat. Today I drove from Oakville to Milton and passed the breathtaking Bronte River valley, on the way back I passed by the rolling breakers thundering to shore on Lake Ontario.

7. Trees: Not much in the way of hardwoods. Most of what we have does not grow very big compared to the giant, sprawling manly trees you will find around the great lakes. Come to Ontario and you will think the trees are on steroids.

8. Cold: I have to mention it again. Sometimes I found myself wondering why I am living in a place where temperatures can plunge to -35. It takes a toll on your skin. Every winter I endured cracked fingertips. This year they healed within 2 days of moving here.

9. Small Towns: Simply boring, and few and far between. And they provide no compelling reason for anyone to want to visit them.

10. Traffic: You would think that this more of a Toronto problem, but not so. Alberta drivers are among the most dangerous drivers in the country. I saw more accidents during my first 6 months in Edmonton than I had seen in my life. Impaired driving is still a major problem. Habitual speeders delude themselves into the belief that since they are such good drivers, they are entitled to speed (unlike those idiots who drive at the spped limit and are always getting in their way).

The pedestrian in Alberta is so confident in the knowledge that they have the right of way, that they will step into moving traffic in the belief that it will stop for them. And they do stop. This is foolish and dangerous not everyone is aware of unwritten laws of the road.

--------------------------------------

So there it is. I am still a westerner at heart (I've only been gone 2 weeks), but there were always some things about Alberta that I really did not like.

Top 10 Ontario Peeves

This is the first of many posts contrasting Ontario and Alberta. Of course I love both places but it seems that my 14 years in Alberta have induced a bit of amnesia. I have had a rather rude awakening after 10 days at the centre of the universe as memories of my previous life came flooding back.

#1. Slush: In Alberta, light, fluffy snow falls to the ground. When you step on it, it packs firmly under your feet making a strong surface upon which to walk.

In Ontario, we have slush. This mushy, wet substance can be found in depths up to 14 inches and usually contains high concentrations of salt which prevents it from freezing. Salt not only destroys your car but also your beautiful suede boots.

The key to walking through slush is to gingerly step over the slush into the ruts created by the last passing car. The slush in the ruts may still be several inches deep, so, in order to avoid a soaker, you must move quickly on your toes from rut to rut across the street. Looks stupid, but very, very necessary.

#2 Smog: I haven't experienced it yet, but I know it is here. But then Mississauga is up wind from Toronto, so maybe I will be OK. To be fair, I have seen smog in Edmonton on occasion.

#3 Liberals: I used to be one once.

#4 Humidity: Nice in the spring and fall. Nasty in the summer and winter, I am not really prepared for this. Summer in Edmonton was so nice and comfortable. But at least all homes have central air conditioning in Mississauga.

#5 Sales Tax: Sure I grew up with it but it is worse now. The NDP government created a law where a private car sale is taxed at a price that they decide. Give your old $1000 beater to someone who needs a car and you sell it for $1. Then Queen's Park steps in and decides your car is actually worth $2000 and demands you pay them $160. Thank Bob Rae for that one.

#6 No Mundare Sausage: Can't find it anywhere yet. Bummer! Just checked the web site and they only ship to Alberta. Anyone coming this way should bring a care package containing Mundare Sausage.

#8 Crickets: I just remembered how much I hated these horrible creatures. They look like smug little greasy, black, grasshoppers that make a horribly irritating noise when you want to sleep. They would sneak into the house and start singing once the lights were out for the night. Search and Destroy could last for up to an hour.

#9 No Mountains: Ok, there is a ski hill in Collingwood called "Blue Mountain", the "Hamilton Mountain" and a few highly eroded, ancient mountain ranges in the Canadian Shield. But they are not mountains. Not that we lived close to mountains in Edmonton, but we could drive there if we really wanted to.

#10 No Hockey: Actually there is quite a lot of this, but it is mostly impossible to attend a Leafs game, not that I would want to. Buffalo is 1.5 hours away.