Top 10 Alberta Peeves
Funny thing is that I can dis Ontario and get away with it. But we Albertans (or former Albertans) are a little thin-skinned at times, especially in regards to criticism from the east. But in the spirit of fairness, here we go... (not sure I can come up with 10).
1. Cold: Yeah, like that was a shocker. Now that the obvious is out of the way, I need to emphasize that "dry cold" is still really, really cold and actually does feel cold in time. It just takes a few minutes longer to reister. Unlike Ontario, you can play football at -20 and enjoy it but after a while it still gets really, really cold.
And it is cold for months and months on end. I mean, -30 during March Break is not exactly my idea of a break from anything. I remember wearing shorts during one March Break as a kid (and yes, tobogganing on another, but it sure as heck wasn't -30!!).
Windows frost up, car won't start, can't make an ice rink in the backyard because it is too cold (go figure).
2. Country Music: I really don't like it. Both kinds... Country AND Western!
To be fair, there are probably more country music lovers in Ontario than in Alberta, but there is this thing called guilt by association. So I will just leave it there.
3. Lakes and Beaches: Most lakes in Alberta are mud-holes. Except for Lesser Slave Lake or Cold Lake. Even the great Alberta resort of Sylvan Lake boasts a 2 metre wide (man-made) beach about 1 km long. In Ontario, drive in any direction and you will probably find a world-class freshwater beach.
4. Rain: It doesn't rain that much in Alberta, so why rain? Because it sucks when it rains, that's why. Rain in Alberta will either freeze you to death or bring on thunderstorms or tornadoes. There is no such thing as a warm spring or summer rain. Rain in the summer makes Alberta feel like October has come.
On top of that, the ground can't seem to drain rainwater away, so an otherwise normal backyard turns to brown mush. I have even seen mould grow on a shaded lawn after 10 days of rain.
5. Ukrainian Dancers: There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and Ukrainian Dancers.~~Nigel Powers If you have seen one you have seen them all. Even the one is repetitive by itself. My personal theory is that the music is only about 8 bars long and just gets played over and over and over again. Then they start the next identical song. Kinda like Southern Gospel Music. The only reason I put up with it is for the food.
6. Flat: I am well aware that most of Alberta is not actually flat. In fact, most of the land 1 hour north and immediately west of Edmonton is not very flat. But Edmonton is f-l-a-t as is most of the drive to Calgary. Yes, there is a river valley but few of us got to live there and most of it is not actually accessible. The rest of the city is flat. Today I drove from Oakville to Milton and passed the breathtaking Bronte River valley, on the way back I passed by the rolling breakers thundering to shore on Lake Ontario.
7. Trees: Not much in the way of hardwoods. Most of what we have does not grow very big compared to the giant, sprawling manly trees you will find around the great lakes. Come to Ontario and you will think the trees are on steroids.
8. Cold: I have to mention it again. Sometimes I found myself wondering why I am living in a place where temperatures can plunge to -35. It takes a toll on your skin. Every winter I endured cracked fingertips. This year they healed within 2 days of moving here.
9. Small Towns: Simply boring, and few and far between. And they provide no compelling reason for anyone to want to visit them.
10. Traffic: You would think that this more of a Toronto problem, but not so. Alberta drivers are among the most dangerous drivers in the country. I saw more accidents during my first 6 months in Edmonton than I had seen in my life. Impaired driving is still a major problem. Habitual speeders delude themselves into the belief that since they are such good drivers, they are entitled to speed (unlike those idiots who drive at the spped limit and are always getting in their way).
The pedestrian in Alberta is so confident in the knowledge that they have the right of way, that they will step into moving traffic in the belief that it will stop for them. And they do stop. This is foolish and dangerous not everyone is aware of unwritten laws of the road.
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So there it is. I am still a westerner at heart (I've only been gone 2 weeks), but there were always some things about Alberta that I really did not like.
posted by Mike @ 11:14 p.m.
6 comments
6 Comments:
Fairness? You've obviously been affected by the CRTC in that you have to provide a "balance" in your reporting. Fifteen seconds back in Ontario, and you're dissing Alberta. Traitor. No gas rebate from King Ralph for you this year, then.
Alberta vs. Ontario
1. We have oil. You need it. What are you willing to pay in the future in order to get around your smog-choked megalopolis?
2. We don't have Bob Rae. Or anything like it. No sales tax. NO SALES TAX!!!
3. Smog. Yes, we have a little bit. Occasionally. Pretty soon, you won't trust air you can't see. We'll send you crystal-clear photos of the flat prairie occasionally.
4. Manly trees? Perhaps you are not familiar with BC trees. Or Western Alberta trees. Just as manly. No gay trees out here, nosirree. Since the wind blows mostly from the West to the East (with the exception of Ottawa, where hot air blows all directions, with major gusts during election campaigns), all your trees were, as any true westerner knows, originally from here. You're welcome.
5. Small towns. Nobody wants to visit them? I daresay you are wrong. Vegreville has the world famous Pysanka. Another place has a landing pad for UFOs, another has the world's largest Pyrohy (or Perogie). On second thought, those aren't exactly compelling reasons to visit them. Point for you.
6. Cold. Yes, it's cold. Dry cold. No slush...most days. Which means we don't do the intense rutting thing you do in Ontario. This could also explain why there are so many of you.
7. Traffic. You said you saw many accidents your first six months in Edmonton. You also said you were a liberal. I think it must have been when you first came to Edmonton that you were a liberal. It's hard to aim a gun and drive straight when you have a liberal in your sights. Driver/hunter types get giddy, which causes accidents.
There are more, to be sure, but just to round out the rant, here are some alternate words to our national anthem:
O Canada, we took our natives' lands
True patriot love; the sep'ratists can all pound sand
With glowing hearts, we've seen the prize
The true north wronged and fleeced
From far and wide, O Canada
We hate the GST!
God keep our land politician free
O Canada this is the place for me!
O Canada we love our UIC
See what I mean? Albertans are thin-skinned. Dis Ontario and no one notices.
Trees are very important and there is nothing more challenging than taking a chainsaw to a giant Oak to test your manliness. I mean, come on, how hard is it to cut through a Spruce? I could cut down the mightiest tree in Alberta with a Herring!
redneck central... are you the accordion player from the Shumka Dancers?
A Herring? A HERRING? I thought you were from Ontario; not the maritimes. And is it any wonder, then, why their forestry industry is in the sad state it's in, now? Tough to make a profit when you have to rob the fish industry to give you cutting implements for the forest industry. And then the houses and furniture all smell kinda strange after they're built, too...
And no, I am not the accordian player from the Shumka Dancers. I am the chainsaw wielding, monster truck driver who goes TO the Shumka Dance jamborees. I do my demonstrations during intermissions, onstage where all the accordians are, just to make the jamborees shorter, and everybody's life a little more tolerable.
Next year, I am thinking of booking a "Snipers 'r' Us" reunion weekend at the same hotels. Same goes for bagpipe conventions. Donations to support us may be given online at snipersrus.com.
You guys are really too much! Thanks for the Sunday giggle.
And don't forget - only in Alberta can you pay taxes and then pay a separate tax (aka Health care premiums)
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